Shatter
by SmoulderingOcean
Summary: The mood of the house has changed. It unsettles Nick. Nothing good happens in Gilead when things change suddenly. Nick/June
1. Chapter 1- Fracture

You can wet the rim of a glass and run your finger around the rim and it will make a sound. This is what I feel like: this sound of glass. I feel like the word shatter.  
-The Handmaid's Tale, Margaret Atwood

* * *

It's a bitterly cold day as Nick steps inside the house, dropping his gloves on the table and walking inside the kitchen.

He moves to make himself a cup of coffee when Rita bustles into the room, the hem of her dull green dress damp. Nick can still see the bruises on her face and feels a flicker of guilt. He hadn't anticipated that helping June flee would have such a negative impact on Rita.

"We're all out of coffee," she snaps. "I haven't had time to go buy more."

Nick nods mutely and puts the kettle on to make tea. "Want a cup?" he asks lowly, trying to make up for taking all of her good coffee.

Rita looks surprised and her expression softens. "Thank you, Nick."

She looks exhausted. Nick knows that Mrs. Waterford has been particularly brutal to Rita these last two months, forcing her to work harder than ever and snapping physically at any mistake.

Marthas were disposable, and no one knew that better than Rita herself. She has no recourse against the violence she suffers, knowing that if she spoke up she'd be hung on the wall in an instant. There was nothing Nick could do to help her other than being a little kinder than normal. He's not sure it makes much difference.

The atmosphere of the house has been extremely tense ever since June hadn't returned from the Red Centre after her ultrasound. Mrs. Waterford has been particularly volatile and Nick finds himself avoiding the house at all costs, only going in late at night to pick up his cold plate of dinner or to get some coffee to take to June. He has never enjoyed spending time with the Commander, but he is downright enjoyable in comparison at the moment.

Nick now spends most of his days tinkering with the car in the garage, trying to stay out of sight. He knows that he is under suspicion, especially from Mrs. Waterford due to the moment he had shared with June in the kitchen. It had been a risky thing to do, but June had needed him in that moment and he had needed to show he that that he would be there.

He hands Rita her cup of tea and settles into the chair across from her. Things were quiet between them, the house peaceful for once. They were the only people there as the Commander and Mrs. Waterford are off at some office, demanding information on how the search for Offred is going.

Nick has to bite back a smirk. June should be in Canada by now, far from the horrors of Gilead. He can't wait to see their faces when the announcement goes up. Handmaids almost never managed to escape, and a pregnant one had never accomplished it. The fallout is sure to be glorious.

Once Nick gets confirmation that June is safely in Canada, he'll start planning on how to get Hannah out. He is close to figuring out where she is, and soon he will take action. His best source for that had surprisingly been Commander Pryce rather than Mayday like he'd anticipated.

The man loved to talk about how he'd saved children from a hellish existence by taking them away from their sinful families and placing them into proper Godly ones. How he was sure he'd won the favour of God and that the plague of infertility would end because children were being raised the way God intended them to be.

It had taken everything he had for Nick to not roll his eyes or say something stupid like how none of this stuff was in the Bible. Pryce likes and trusts him, and so Nick needs to hold onto that in order to take full advantage of the information he has to offer. Pryce is a true believer and so Nick pretends to be one too. It is surprisingly easy- Nick will do anything for June, and besides, Hannah also deserves to raised in a good place where she has the opportunity to become the doctor June had told him that she used to dream of being.

Once he knew Hannah was safe, Nick would then chose to report the abuses that Fred and Serena had both levelled at June and the woman here before her. Pryce, a true believer, would surely make efforts to prevent the Waterfords from getting another handmaid. Nick doesn't like that they'll be able to adopt a child into this mess, but there would be little he could do to stop that. He supposes he could accuse them of being in the resistance, but the risk out blowback on himself and Rita would probably be too great.

Nick's first major strike of information to find Hannah had been when Pryce had told him about the two children he and his wife had adopted. Most Commanders wanted their own biological children and so they were assigned handmaids, but Pryce had mentioned that some of the older members had wanted to skip the baby phase and so they'd adopted children despite the fact that the sins of their parents had to be corrected out of them. It was a worthy sacrifice Pryce had said grandly. The words had nearly made Nick sick. These children have all been stolen, plucked from the arms of helpless parents.

Nick has to be so very careful when pressing for information, and so he hadn't asked Pryce anything else. It was fortunate enough that Pryce had presumed he was asking because he soon wanted to have children of his own to bring up to be Godly. Nick had simply nodded and smiled in response. It wasn't really a lie- he did want children and to raise them with faith, but he didn't want to raise them here or in the bastardized version of faith that Gilead has.

Nick is now slowly gathering information on older commander families and trying to divulge that status they had. June had told him that Hannah was mixed race, and Nick presumes that that means Hannah is in a lower status commander family. He knows that blonde children are the most desired. Commander Pryce had shown him photos of his adopted children- blonde, blue-eyed, and pale.

Children were a limited resource, and as such the so-called best ones went to the highest status families. Hannah would probably be considered too dark for any of those families. The thought disgusts Nick, but the knowledge it brings is useful. The fewer families he has to poke about, the better.

He finishes his tea, and takes his and Rita's empty cups to the sink to wash them and put them on the drying board.

"Thanks again, Nick," Rita tells him, her voice low and raspy. She glances around furtively before whispering, "Be careful when it comes to the good coffee. They've picked up on the stores dropping."

She gives him a knowing look that reminds him of the ones his father used to level at him and Nick freezes. He'd hoped that he had been discrete.

"I told her that I spilled some. She gave me this in response," Rita murmurs, pointing at the black eye and nail-like scraps around her left eye. "You owe me."

Nick knows she's not entirely serious, but he nods anyway. He'll figure out how to make it up somehow.

He heads outside after that, working on clearing the ice from out of the storm drains. He wonders what June is doing in Canada right now. He knows she'd left sometime after he last saw her on Tuesday. It's Friday now. Maybe she was seeing a movie? Or binging more episodes of Friends? He likes thinking of June seeing something funny and laughing.

Lost in thought, he barely hears the car pull up in front of the gates and the loud footsteps that scramble up the stairs. Nick doesn't dare look up, instead slowly and methodically continuing with his work.

After a couple more hours of dealing with ice and clogged gutters, Nick warily walks into the house to collect his dinner. He pauses in the kitchen, running his hands under hot water to warm up his freezing fingers. There was something about the energy of the house that unsettles him. Gone was the tense air, now replaced with a nervous thrumming energy.

Dread floods his entire body. Something was very wrong. If he had been caught for helping June, surely he'd have been taken away in a black van by now. It must be something else entirely.

Nick decides to take his meal in the kitchen tonight instead of eating it in his dank apartment like usual. It feels imperative that he remains here to keep an eye on things.

"Rita," he hears Mrs. Waterford's voice ring out sharply, "Bring us our dinner now and make sure it's hot."

"Yes, ma'am," he can hear Rita reply.

Nick frowns a little. The stress and the fury in her voice has dissipated. She sounds more like the Serena Joy Waterford from 3 months ago than the one he'd tried to get used to recently. Whatever is going on, Nick knows it isn't good. It is Gilead after all.

Rita speeds into the kitchen and grabs the plates from the warmer, quickly walking back out again. She was smiling a little, not one of the forced smiles that she used around them, but a normal one. Did they finally receive the news that June was in Canada? Had the Commander and Mrs. Waterford lost all hope and the knowledge pleased Rita? Why else would she be smiling?

He eats his roast dinner slowly and methodically, trying to stall for more information but not getting any. Once dinner was over, Nick wasn't usually welcome in the Waterford house anymore, especially if Mrs. Waterford was there or awake. He needs to know what was going on, but there were only so many risks he could keep on taking. He has Hannah and himself to think of. He's determined to make it Canada and play a role in his child's life. He refuses to think otherwise.

Just as he has finished, Rita walks back in, carrying the plates from the dining room.

"All done?" Rita asks, taking his plate to the sink before he can answer.

"Uh, yeah," he replies, "I can wash those for you?"

"No. Don't you have something to be doing?" Her tone is hard, but Nick can recognize her sarcasm as well.

"No."

"Humph," Rita tuts, placing the clean dishes onto the drying rack and wiping her hands on her apron as she turns.

It's the first good look at her that Nick's gotten since early this morning. He's surprised in the change in her expression. Earlier she had looked forlorn and exhausted, now she seemed sad with an excited undertone. It concerns him further.

Before Nick can ask her what's going on, he can hear the sharp clack of Mrs. Waterford's heels.

"Rita," she calls out, stepping onto the threshold of the kitchen, "make sure Offred's room is dusted and ready for her return. And change those linens and sterilize everything, we need it all as clean as possible. I'm not taking chances with my baby."

"Yes, ma'am," Rita says perfunctorily. "Praised be that God has returned her to us."

"Praised be," Mrs. Waterford replies pointedly. "You'll start tomorrow. Offred will be back soon, and things must be ready."

Rita nods and hustles away, glancing back at Nick once, her face worried.

Nick grips the nearly-empty cup of tea in his hands tightly in order to keep them from shaking. He can't have heard right. Surely not? June should have left her last safehouse for Canada yesterday or the day before. She should be safe by now, free and happy.

"Haven't you heard the good news, Nick? They found Offred on an abandoned airstrip, attempting to escape. She's at the Red Centre now. We're trying to make sure she won't hurt the baby before she comes home."

"God has graced us with His glory," Nick says monotonously. He feels sick. This is all his fault. He's made everything worse.

"I want you to install a lock on the door in Offred's room. We aren't taking any chances when it comes to my baby," Mrs. Waterford says quickly.

"Yes, Mrs. Waterford," he says, forcing a smile on his face.

"Good." With that she leaves the room.

Nick thinks she looks deranged, drunk on the knowledge that her walking womb has returned. He can't tell whether or not she suspects him of anything. For his sake he surely hopes not.

More than the Commander, Mrs. Waterford scares him. The Commander could be reasoned with, played easily. The man trusted without thought, thinking Nick was just like him. He wasn't anything close. He didn't realize that Nick had months of information on him, waiting to be used at the best possible moment to ensure his execution. Mrs. Waterford was shrewd; cold and calculating, sometimes Nick thinks that she sees right through him.

The moment with June in the kitchen was her gun on him. His gun on her was that she'd forced him to have sex with the handmaid. Both offenses could get the other hung on the wall. Nick's advantage is that as a man, his word is taken more seriously, even with having less status that her, and Mrs. Waterford knows it. It's the first time that he's been grateful that Gilead is structured the way it is.

The unknown knowledge that he was an Eye protects him greatly. The knowledge he holds could very well save his life one day. As much as he detests all these people, it is to his advantage to remain close to Commander Pryce. For his life, for Hannah's, and now again for June and their child's.

* * *

In the quiet and relative privacy of his room, Nick feels himself break. He is suffocated by guilt and sorrow.

He should have waited, made a better plan. He should have tried to save Hannah first, before working on saving June by himself. He shouldn't have tried to get June out until he was certain that it would work. He'd had a few months until the pregnancy became cumbersome. Surely a better plan could have been created in that time.

So many mistakes. There would never be enough apologies, no way he could come close to making it right. The best thing he can do now is to focus on finding Hannah and figuring a way to get her out. Perhaps then June could trust him again, and maybe she could regain some of her lost hope.

He's terrified for her state of mind. The two months away from the Waterford house had done her a lot of good. She'd been as close to happy as a person could get in Gilead, and was filled with tentative optimism when he had last seen her. As strong as Nick knows June is, he's certain that all of that is gone now. A person can only go through so much before breaking completely.

Nick swears to never fail her again. He knows that Mayday will give up on saving June. He'll just do it himself. He will find Hannah and get her out, and then flee with June and their baby. He'll die for her if it means she gets to Canada safe. There is no other acceptable option. June can't stay here, and now neither can he.


	2. Chapter 2- Solid

The new lock has been installed on June's door in preparation for her impending arrival. Her room smells so strongly of antiseptic that Nick wrinkles his nose. He hopes the smell doesn't make June feel sick. She'd told him that her sense of smell was sensitive due to the pregnancy hormones.

He still can't quite believe that she's been captured. Things had been going so well. She'd been so close. He'd heard that if they'd left a minute earlier, she would have made it. One measly minute had made all the difference.

Now everything is worse than it was before. June is going to suffer in ways that Nick will never be able to comprehend. Mrs. Waterford continues to abuse Rita, despite the so-called happy news. Nick knows that he's come under suspicion from both the Waterfords. He needs their trust to succeed in getting June out of the house and into Canada. He knows that whatever he's going to have to do to get that trust back, it's going to hurt. But he'll do anything for his family, even if it makes him miserable.

At the moment, Nick's just glad that he hasn't been ordered to close the shutters to June's windows. Even though they'd be under strict supervision and any moment they could steal together would be brief, at least they'd be able to look at each other at night. Even though the bitter cold hasn't abated, Nick would freeze all night just for the chance to smile at her.

A smile will never make up for how he failed her, condemning her to a misery far worse than any she'd ever experienced, but Nick hopes that it will make her feel better, for a little while at least.

Nick still couldn't stop thinking about how this happened because of him. He should have waited, integrated himself into Mayday more before begging for June's rescue. Now he'd condemned all the handmaids. Mayday will never spend another moment rescuing them, not after a key blackmarket operative had been killed trying to get one out.

His fault, his fault, his fault. Nick will feel guilty forever. Gilead could fall tomorrow and the pain would never end.

In the days since June has been captured, Nick has barely slept. Between working on trying to find Hannah and feeling suffocated by his guilt and sorrow, he hasn't been able to calm his mind enough to sleep. He'd also gotten to used to sleeping with June in his arms, comforted by her presence. Now he's not sure when he'll get another chance to experience that.

Sometimes Nick wants to scream, to cry, to pull the hair out of his head. He wants to kill the Waterfords, to load June in the car and mow down anyone in their path. It was crushing being here, unable to do anything more than pour over endless pieces of paper.

And now June is due back any minute. He has to pull himself together.

Straightening his tie, Nick steps just outside of the gates, waiting to pull June back into hell. The Waterfords stood on the steps in front of the heavy wood door, their heads bowed in prayer. Rita was a few steps behind them, her hands placed in front of her and her expression unreadable. Handmaids lined the walkway, ready to welcome their compatriot home.

Nick wants to pray the way his grandmother taught him; the sign of cross and skyward eyes and gently clasped hands, with soft and loving words uttered from his lips. But doing so here would be catastrophic, and he has long since grown faithless.

He inhales sharply when the van pulls up. It has become all too real now. June is really back.

The back doors are opened roughly. The sound of scraping metal burns his ears.

"Get out, Offred," barks an Aunt.

Nick offers a hand to June. It takes everything he has to make sure it doesn't shake.

June is hunched over, her body protectively cradling her belly. Nick can't help but stare for a moment. All he can really think of is that you can really tell that she's pregnant now. It proves just how little time he has left to get this right.

June clings to him as she eases her way out, her fingers rough and warm against his own. Her grip is tighter for slightly longer than necessary. He knows that she needs to touch him and that he needs to touch her. But not here. Not now. It is too dangerous.

Nick meets her eyes and is heartbroken at the sight. The hurt, the hopelessness, the rage, claws at him so sharply that he can almost feel the blood pour out of his chest. Her pain was evident and the feeling of guilt increases tenfold. His fault. He's caused this.

He wants to say something, anything at all, to make her feel even the slightest bit better. But there are too many eyes and ears on them. The best Nick can do is steady her, his hands quickly brushing against the side of her belly and her shoulders. I'm here, I'm not giving up he tries to say. He thinks she understands as she steels herself, her muscles tightening.

Nick escorts her like taking a lamb to slaughter, down the Gilead green mile. It's a cruel irony for him to be the one doing this. First he'd taken her away from this house and now he was leading her directly back to it.

He presents her to her imprisoners, her tortures, like it was something he willingly did every day. Like he was happy to have her back here.

He sees Mrs. Waterford fall to her knees, saying bullshit about God's will. Nick knows that God would never want this.

"No. One. Knows. God's. Will." Nick hears June spit before she heads inside. He wants to smile and to pull her into his arms, to cheer and to laugh. The moment felt exhilarating. Even despite it all, part of June's spirit remains. She is the strongest person Nick knows. He'll live on that inspiration, using it to press onward.

* * *

The last few weeks have been the worst Nick has ever experienced in his life. He wants to scrub his skin raw, to bleach the thoughts from his brain. He disappears inside memories, old ones with his father and brother and newer ones with June. He holds on ever tighter to the fantasies he's had of him and June and their child making their own little family in a place of freedom. It's all he really has right now.

More than once he's lost all hope for the future. He can barely see June anymore and he misses her more than he ever thought possible. Even harried glances at her window have gotten risky. With the warmer weather he makes it a point to sit on his front step and read, glancing up only once or twice at June's window. Any more could get him caught and get June into trouble.

He's fortunate that the last few days have been beacons of light among the darkness. The hope creeps up, making his skin tingle.

The day before yesterday the house had been calm and quiet, and he and June had managed to steal a few minutes together. June had even placed one of his hands on her belly and he'd felt their baby move for the very first time. It was the most thrilling, exhilarating moment of his life. Never before has Nick experienced something so pure and beautiful.

Everything has come into much clearer focus. He knows what he has to fight for and knows what he'll lose if he fails, and so he's put more focus into finding Hannah. Nick's search into the older low status commander families has been slow and painful. There is only so much information that he can get at one time without raising suspicions.

But today, he thinks he might have found her. Commander Morrison of Amherst and his wife Rebecca had adopted two children, both daughters. The Morrisons were black, and so were designated lower status in the Sons of Jacob commander hierarchy. In their 50s, they had three adult sons who were all Angels in Gilead's army. As such they were considered worthy enough to raise children. Nick had struck gold when he'd seen the names of the little girls. Sarah, aged 11, and Hannah, recently turned 9. Her birthday had matched the one June told him and now he's hoping her face will too.

Nick hates the idea of yet again giving June hope and taking it away, but he feels so strongly that this is her that he doesn't think that he can chance not showing her.

It's not ideal showing her a Gilead photo, but he doesn't have much of a choice. In the name of staying alive, Nick simply can't drive out to Amherst and get pictures of Hannah himself, but he does have access to the carefully crafted family photos that were in every file for founding families. The Sons of Jacob had recorded every bit of their prominent history, proud of what they accomplished. They'd wanted the future citizens of Gilead to see who had built up their nation. Even the lowly ranking commanders like Morrison were included.

Nick holds the fragile piece of paper between his fingers and stares at the image. She was tiny like June, and he thinks he can see similar noses. He's almost certain that it's her. He makes quick work of carefully tearing out the image of Hannah, and slips her picture into his pocket. He returns the rest of the photo into the file and stuffs it inside the spare tire in the trunk of the car. At this point the car is safer than his apartment. Only he had the keys for it. Poking around like this was risky, but it will be worth it if he has really found Hannah.

It was another calm day, and so Nick feels safe to step inside the house on the offhand chance of seeing June.

For once, he is lucky- June is seated at the old wooden table, slowly swirling her spoon around in a bowl of soup. He quickly glances at her and they share the barest of smiles. She looks exhausted, the stress of the last few weeks taking its toll. He hopes that the picture will perk her up, if it is indeed of Hannah.

Nick can hear Rita in the kitchen. He likes and almost trusts her, and so he relaxes. He has an idea.

"Rita," he says lowly, "she wants some tea to settle her stomach." He refuses to use the word Offred, and with just Rita in close earshot, he doesn't have to.

Rita looks up from the sticky dough she is kneeding, clearly surprised. "I didn't hear her say anything."

Nick raises an eyebrow, and shrugs one shoulder. "Is there a point to being loud here?"

Rita shakes her head ruefully. "I'm busy, can you make her a cup, Nick?"

His lips twitch and he nods. While the water boils, Nick carefully fingers the photo. He's so certain that it's Hannah, but the risk that it's not makes his heart pound. It just has to be her. He is running out of time. The longer he waits to get Hannah out, the harder it will be be to get June and their baby out.

Carefully slipping the picture out of his pocket, he holds it flush against the teacup.

"Careful," he says as he slowly hands it to June, "it's hot."

Her head shoots up when her fingers brush against the scrap of paper and he can hear her sharply suck in a breath. They'd never talked about a moment like this, but he knows that June knows exactly what that piece of paper could contain.

He wants to stay and to hold her as she unfolds it, but he can't. It's too dangerous. Not wanting to take any risks, he heads back into the kitchen and quickly drinks his own tea and eats the sandwich that Rita has set out for him.

Not hesitating for a moment, Nick heads back toward June under the pretext of gathering her empty dishes. The moment he looks at her, he sees that her eyes are glassy with tears. Looking around hurriedly, he drops to a knee and rests a hand against her cheek. She leans against his touch and her eyes flutter shut.

"It's her, that's my Hannah," she breathes, and Nick sighs in relief. One step closer. One piece of hope gained.

Nick allows himself one moment to rest his hand on June's belly, and he can feel the gentle stirrings of their child. He feels a rush of love. This was their baby, and no one else's.

June lays her hand on top of his, holding herself more solidly than he'd seen in a long time. "It's a girl."

Nick startles back and June's eyes shine with tears again. A girl. He was as terrified as June looked.

Before he can make any comforting move or say any comforting word, he hears heavy steps coming down the stairs. Nick is back outside before he can see who it was.

A girl. Nick was going to have a daughter with June. Hannah would have a little sister.

He was going to have a girl in Gilead. A place of no opportunities for her. A place where she'd be subjugated, demeaned, and brutalized. A place where she'd never be allowed to reach her full potential. Any child born in Gilead was horrifying, but a girl is another level.

The time he has left feels shorter than ever. Nick has to move so fast, but he also has to be so very careful too. Now that he knows that Hannah lives with the Morrison family in Amherst, he could make the plans to get her out. Mayday might have given up on saving handmaids, but they were still willing to get children across the border. Anything that could destabilize Gilead without costing them members would be considered. It would be so very difficult and Nick would have to have every single moment planned out before he put the ball into motion, but they'd do it.

Everything has to be carefully thought of. There is an overwhelming amount of variables Nick needs to think about.

Sarah, Hannah's adoptive sister, should probably be rescued too. What was the point of leaving another girl behind to rot in Gilead? And perhaps Hannah would be more willing to go if Sarah went with her. Nick's just not sure what to do. Hesitation could prove fatal.

With children so carefully monitored, Nick needs an in with the family. Drivers and Guardians were often Eyes, and so his best bet is through the Martha. Perhaps Rita would know something helpful. He's reluctant to bring her into this, fearful for her safety. Nick knows he'd struggle to flee with her alongside June, their daughter, and himself. But if he left Rita behind, even without asking her for anything, she'd come under suspicion anyway. Things were just so incredibly complicated.

Once Hannah disappeared, Nick would have at most a few days to get June, their daughter, himself, and possibly Rita out of the house and out of state. He'd have to find well-hidden safehouses for them to reside in for several weeks until the searches died down. People would be looking for them everywhere. They'd have to ditch the car early on or they'd be easily followed. He's not sure how far on foot June could make it.

Nick feels fear and dread creep up his back and settle in his shoulders and in his chest. This is as terrifying as it is overwhelming. In the end though, as long as Hannah, June, and their daughter make it safe into Canada, Nick will be happy. It would be worth all the stress and fear and complications. He will fight forever for his family.

* * *

Notes:

Thanks for reading! This is my first attempt at a Handmaid's Tale fanfic and I hope that I did decently. :)

Anyway, I never really anticipated this fic getting so long. I'd really only planned on around 2000 words centring on Nick's thoughts on June's capture and her return, but it grew into more. I really tried not to make it too angsty and I hope that I managed to do that.

In addition, I'm hopeful that I did an ok job capturing the racism of the Gilead system. The show still hasn't really addressed it yet, but I feel like Hannah's whereabouts are a golden opportunity to do so.


End file.
